Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Defending Marriage


In 1996, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act.[1]  Like so many Acts of Congress, this meritorious law is good for America.  It was intended to put a stop to all the perfidious attacks on marriage by deviate subversive forces, such as gays and transgender type people.  According to the law, it is illegal to marry your pet –or if you are a boy, another boy. Likewise, girls cannot marry other girls. You cannot even legally marry your horse under this law.

The evangelical bible thumpers are enthralled with this law, despite the dozens of Constitutional challenges still working their way through the courts.[2]

It’s a good thing that Congress got this law on the books because, from where I stand, marriage is defenseless. It is difficult for me to even conceptualize any good reason for any male human being in America to sign on to marriage.

My experience is actually quite typical for the average American male. The story goes like this.

You get married, sometimes just for visa purpose (my first marriage) and sometimes because you are besotted with some persistent hormonal imbalance (my second marriage).  In any case, more often than not, the whole thing ends badly.   The marriage breakup rate in America for first marriage is 41% to 50%; the rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67% and the rate in America for 3rd marriage are from 73% to 74%. [3]

In the case of my second marriage the predictable finale was particularly harsh.  I crashed into the finish line at terminal velocity.  First, I was rusticated to live on Cuckhold Creek. Maryland.


Location of Cuckhold Creek, Maryland
After savoring the piquant pleasures of Cuckholdistan for about a year, I was unceremoniously transported to divorce court.

There, a grotesquely obese female judge (3 times divorced herself) made it clear that I could submit to water boarding and agree to be drawn and quartered. My other option was to be hung upside down until everything in my pockets, my bank account and anywhere else would be shaken out for my ex-to-be to scrape up off the courthouse floor.

I chose the latter.

The end result: I lost my house, my kids, my bank account, my IRA, my stocks,  my china, my furniture, and 2/3 of my retirement (after 35 years of work). I was allowed to keep my clothing and shoes.

I made out better than some, however.

A neighbor of mine spent a good deal of time in the DC Jail due to his inability to make child support payments that far exceed his income. Apparently, the courts think that one is better able to pay child support from jail than from other employment.

It was at this moment after the issuance of my divorce decree that I learned of the exquisite pleasures of living in the back seat of a car. Sometimes I varied the venue by sleeping on my office couch. this was only slightly better. Aside from the deep and abiding friendships I developed with the office night cleaning personnel who regularly woke me at 3 am, it was not the best of times.  This period lasted for months and months.

Meanwhile, my excellent attorney collected her fees, paid both her kids college tuitions, deposited the remaining bundle in her Cayman Island account and retired from the practice of law to live on the bounty.

View From the Cayman Island Home of My Divorce Attorney

So, I ask, who the heck wants to get married?

Picture Courtesy of Wikipeida Commons

Kim Kardashian, that’s who.

The story of Kim’s marriage has been obsessing Americans for the past year. And with good reason. She made marriage look good for the first time in a long while.

Not only that, she made out like a bandit. She took in $18,000,000 in the divorce, after only 72 days of marriage.[4] That comes to $250,000 per day.

Kim is a person with no discernible skills or talent. She cannot act or write or basically do much of anything. She cannot even dance.  Yet she is a “reality star,” the biggest of them all.

How did she get so popular?

Her friend Paris Hilton tipped her off on how to do it. Kim got herself filmed having sex with Ray J and had the film leaked to the media.  She brought a few lawsuits to get the press involved, and from then on, fame and money were hers to take.

This pattern has now become one of the most popular ways to handle the difficult issue of marriage, as well as one of the most well-travelled paths to fame and fortune in America. In addition to Paris Hilton, some of the celebrities who have used the technique of releasing a sex tape and benefiting directly from royalties as well as indirectly from the publicity are:  Pamela Anderson, John Edwards, Tonya Harding, Jenna Lewis, Rob Lowe, and long list of others.[5]


[1] Pub.L. 104-199, 110 Stat. 2419, enacted September 21, 1996, 1 U.S.C. § 7 and 28 U.S.C. § 1738C.  Section 3 of the law states that “In determining the meaning of any Act of Congress, or of any ruling, regulation, or interpretation of the various administrative bureaus and agencies of the United States, the word 'marriage' means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.
[2] The list of cases appears here.
[3] Statistics can be found here.
[4] See the whole story in Reuters News.
[5] The full list appears here.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Cure for Malaise


I have been reading Chris Hedges lately.  Chris is a former war correspondent for the NY Times.  He got fired because he was opposed to the invasion of Iraq.  Now he writes inspiring books like “Days of Destruction, Days of Revolt”  and “Empire of Illusion.” 
Photo courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

Chris makes statements like “There are always people willing to commit unspeakable human atrocity in exchange for a little power and privilege.”[i]

In a recent interview on PBS with Bill Moyers, he summed up his viewpoint as follows: “We stand on the verge of one of the bleakest periods in human history, when the bright lights of civilization bank out...” [ii]

To Chris I say, "Don't be scared, Stand Your Ground!” [iii]

But for myself, this attitude is just too bleak.  It fails to conform to my basic philosophy of life—which can be summed up in two words—HAVE FUN!

To cure the malaise brought on by reading too much Hedges, I watch the Olympics, an inspiring tableau of human achievement. The only place today where the best is brought out in everyone.
Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

And I don’t just mean people.  The Olympics brings out the best in animals too. Take for example, the outstanding American dancing horse named “Rafalca.”  

Rafalca has a chance to win the gold for America and make us all proud.  Even hard core liberals are  rooting for her

And, believe me, Rafalca is a motivated athlete.  This is because one of Rafalca’s owners is Ann Romney, and as every animal in that family knows, animal behavior not pleasing to Mitt and Ann can end badly. The now deceased family dog,  Seamus, was strapped to the top of a vehicle and rushed down the interstate and 75 mph until he threw up and pooped all over the roof.

So –to avoid a similar fate--Rafalca is going to be shaking in her horseshoes to win the gold.

The story of Rafalca is an inspiring one.  Rafalca, after qualifying, flew across the Atlantic on a FedEx jet (inside, not strapped to the roof) and dined on an in-flight meal of watermelon.

She will be competing in London in the dressage competition — a form of ballet for horses and their riders in which the animals do pirouettes, serpentines and Piaffes. The Piaffe is a “highly collected, cadenced, elevated diagonal movement” in which “the haunches with active hocks are well engaged.”[iv] 

Sounds one Hell of a lot like political behavior to me.

Rafalca is good for America and the Romney’s bottom line too. Of course, the horse is a tad bit expensive. The Romneys spent more on the horse's healthcare than the average American family spends on its own health care. [v]  On the other hand, in the one and only tax return made available to the public, the couple declared a $77,731 loss on their 2010 tax returns for their share of Rafalca’s care. That helped with the bottom line!

Green eye shade tax experts have all kinds of questions about so called “hobby losses” like this one.[vi] But Romney has stated in no uncertain terms that he is paying all the taxes he owes and “not one penny more.”


[i] Other uplifting quotes can be found on Good Reads.
[ii] The full interview can be found here.
[iii] The laws of most States allow us to stand our ground whenever we think we might be threatened, thanks to ALEC.
[iv] Definition provided by the International Equestrian Federation.
[v] Estimate provided  by Deadspin.
[vi]  For some in depth research on this little scam, check out this site.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Gimmie the Free Stuff


Now this Presidential campaign rhetoric is getting a little too personal.

Mitt Romney has openly declared a war on “free stuff.” After being booed by the NAACP, he went out and told the press, "If they want free stuff, they should vote for the other guy."[1]

This is an attack on everything that makes America the greatest country on earth. If  there is one thing that I look forward to in America, it is free stuff.  I want free parking. I want free wi fi. Free love.  I want free happy hour appetizers. I want more buy-one-get-one-free deals.  I want free movies on the waterfront. Free flight upgrades. Most of all, I want free beer.  But generally speaking, if it is free, I want it.

And now …Mitt Romney has declared war on free stuff.  First-- he went to war on car top dogs. Then-- he started a war on women who resisted transvaginal ultrasound.  It has been just one war after another on things that I like.  I like dogs. I like women. I like ultrasound anywhere you can put it.  I like all that stuff and all kinds of other stuff so long as it is free.

Every day I get on the web and search for my daily supply of free stuff. I usually go the the free stuff aggregator Absurdly Cool. Try it out yourself. Click on http://absurdlycool.com/. You can even get free toilet paper at that web site. Another good place to load up on free stuff is www.freestufftimes.com/. There you can even get a free "Gospel According to Jesus" book, one of my favorites.

But now Mitt says “If you want free stuff, vote for the other guy, not me.”

And here I was all set to vote for Mitt. I even signed the Grover Norquist  pledge to never ever vote for anyone who tried to close a tax loophole. But now this new Romney war on free stuff is really testing my loyalty.

I am caught on the horns of a dilemma. Below is a picture of me just before I got caught on the horns of the cliche.

On the other hand, I am not seeing a whole lot of free stuff being offered to me by Obama. Oddly enough, most of the free stuff seems to be coming from the other side.

Such as, lower taxes. I don’t like having to pay my fair share of keeping the country afloat. I want subsidies for coal and ethanol and other fossil fuels so I can pollute the planet without having to pay a single dime for the damage I do. The air and water is free so let's burn up the ecosphere like there is no tomorrow.   All those police, firemen, air traffic controllers, army, navy, air force, and marine people protecting me …all should be free.


Lately, most of the big free stuff has been handed over to big banks so they could pay their executives huge salaries. For example, quantitative easing by the Federal Reserve, a two trillion dollar give away to banks.[2]

I want more free stuff, not less. I don't need a trillion, but I don't want Romney's zero free stuff plan either.

Who doesn’t like freebies?

Does anyone really think that the big dudes financing the Romney campaign, like the Kochs and Sheldon Adelson, don’t want some free stuff when they win the White House?

PUHLEESE!  Good Gookamuka!

Romney's Plan for the White House
They paid enough already to get  a FREE 4-year lease to the oval office, at least.

So what the heck is this war on free stuff all about?

Someone enlighten me.  Please.


---------------------------------------------------------------
[1.] The full quote is "But I hope people understand this, your friends who like Obamacare, you remind them of this, if they want more stuff from government tell them to go vote for the other guy — more free stuff."
[2] See: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/taibblog/romneys-free-stuff-speech-is-a-new-low-20120713#ixzz20tReleBS

This is a certified organic free-range blog. In other words-- not confined to any cage or subject matter--living happily in the dirt.

To comment on this blog,  click on the hyperlink at the bottom that reads “Post a Comment.”
The Author Enjoying a Sail

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Sucker Punch



The Urban Dictionary defines a “sucker punch” as

[A] closed fist contacting the soft underbelly of a person (beneath the rib cage) at a high velocity...[leaving] the victim open to various other attacks, [such as] what would be called "bitch moves" because of the defenseless nature of the victim.[i]
This is exactly the punch Obama delivered to Romney last week-- with the help of the Boston Globe. 
A Fair Fight

In Romney’s corner, his trainers are screaming bloody murder.  “It hurts! This is Chicago-style mean campaign tactics!”  

One brilliant senior Romney advisor, Ed Gillespie, went so far as to tell CNN’s Candy Crowley that Romney “is not a felon.” [ii]

Was it Nixon who famously went on TV to say “I am not a crook?”

Was it Clinton who told the media “I never had sexual relations with that woman?”

Romney himself is now begging Obama for an apology.[iii]  Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, tried telling Romney to stop whining and take it like a man.[iv]  But the whining continues on and on.

All of this because at a campaign event Obama mentioned a Boston Globe article that either (1) totally undercuts Romney’s claim that he left Bain Capital just before it made billions for its partners by bankrupting American companies, firing workers, and sending American jobs offshore, or (2) establishes that Romney is criminally guilty of making false filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission about when he stopped having ownership and managerial duties at Bain.

Since most people really don’t care about this kind of legal minutia, the story would have been a giant one-newspaper nothing burger had Romney merely brushed it off.  Instead, he demanded on no less than 5 network shows that Obama stop mentioning this embarrassing matter.

Mitt seems to think that Obama’s next move will be to get his Chicago tough-guy bullies together, hold Mittens down on the playground, and forcibly cut his hair.
Romney's Demand

This whole mess reminds me of a political incident that took place many years ago. A Member of Congress, who will remain nameless,  was voted number one on the Washington Post’s list of America’s Dumbest Politicians.  The story appeared in the back pages of the Federal section, and was generally regarded as a harmless humor piece.

The big winner of this esteemed award lived in rural southwest Virginia, a place where even the headlines of the Washington Post had never been seen nor heard of.  Yet, stung by the article listing his top gun status, the winner of this award called a local press conference at the county seat to deny that he was really the dumbest one of all. The local press all had to send for copies of the Washington Post from afar, learn about the contest, attend the press conference, and dutifully publish the Congressman’s denial in their local rags and on the local radio stations.

You can imagine how well this worked to dispel concerns (which had never before existed) in the local electorate regarding Congressman X’s intelligence.

The same dynamic is at work here. It is hard to see how Willard’s demand for Obama to apologize for mentioning an embarrassing Boston Globe article is going to work.  At least Romney had enough sen se not to actually deny that the article is true.  (As we have explained in this blog many times before, all politicians know that truth and facts don’t really matter in a campaign.)[v]

Instead, Romney is claiming that it is unfair and “unPresidential” of Obama to bring up such an embarrassing thing. 

If  Romney and his allies manage to keep this story alive for much longer, there will be a new candidate for America’s Dumbest Politician.


[i] http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sucker%20punch.
[ii] CNN State of the Union, Sunday July 15, 2012.
[iii] On Friday July 13, 2012, Romney schedule last-minute interviews with 5 TV networks to demand an apology from Obama.
[iv] On ABC news with George Stephanopoulos, Sunday July 14, 2012.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Choosing the Correct Path in Life


As  a famous 20th century philosopher once said “Mankind is at a crossroads. One path leads to oblivion, the other to total destruction. I pray we have the courage to choose correctly.”[1]

I my own case I have always chosen the path in life that I hoped would provide the most fun along the route.  Often the search for fun has led me to some peculiar—but, nevertheless, fun—situations.

Take my recent sailing trip through the stunningly beautiful Azorean Archipelago.
Azorean Coastline
The sailing part of that trip, I will not get into because that was just more or less the kind of fun anyone could have sailing anywhere with a blind captain, a broken foot, unpredicted 15 foot waves and 35 mile/hour winds, volcanic islands with rocky shorelines and miniscule harbors that you could not imagine squeezing into in a bath tub rubber ducky without crashing into something hard and pointy.

Entering a Typical Azorean Harbor

No, the sailing part was only run-of-the mill fun.

The interesting part was how the Azorean people chose to have fun.

What they do, more or less on a weekly basis, is release a very angry bull out onto the town streets without warning, at least without any warning to English-speaking tourists.

Like me.

How they make the bull so angry is a state secret, but I am guessing that they poke him in the balls with a long stick or something like that.  Anyway, he gets exceedingly pissed off at humans.

The streets in Azorean towns are very narrow, with high walls on either side or sometimes house fronts right on the street with little or no sidewalks. I think that this is because up until about 10 years ago the streets were mostly used by horses and horse carts. It’s not all that modern a place. 
Azorean Street

The upshot of this venue is that any bull in the street gets a really good shot at any idiot human standing in the same street.

Normally, this would have been no problem for me because until recently I could outrun most angry bulls, at least in my imagination. 

However, I had broken my foot falling down on a boat and was wearing a clumsy plastic cast. This left me at a huge disadvantage when all the other fun loving pedestrians took off running away from the bull as fast as they could.
Bull in the Street

I stumbled along, not having that much fun, until it was just the bull and me at street level. At first, I thought I could best him by playing possum. I could lie down on the street, I thought, and act like I was a worthless corpse. Another idea was to climb a wall. I elected the latter because—who knows if the bull could satisfy his lust for fun by throwing a worthless American corpse around?

So up the wall I scrabbled, not too effectively until two merciful Portuguese fishermen got me by the shoulders.

Victory! I thumbed my nose at the bull, feeling a massive flood of adrenaline.

Unfortunately, I do not have any close up pictures of the bull because by the time he was really really close, it was time to pocket the camera and plan an escape. Below and to the left is a shot, taken shortly after my encounter.
The Bull I Defeated

So here is the secret I discovered. You can have fun in any culture doing all kinds of things the locals do that you might not otherwise do on a daily basis at home so long as you can get that adrenaline going.


Unlike other bull fights, the Azorean kind are fair because the bull can also easily find ways to have fun.
Fun for the Bull









I wish to thank the two Azorean men who lifted me out of range of the bull. Next time I see them, I am buying both of them a case of beer.

Also my thanks are due to the skillful British and Irish captain and crew of the yacht, Indaba, who successfully navigated the Lilliputian Azorean harbors without running aground one single time or hitting any other hard objects, while I watched the maneuvers anxiously with my life vest safely attached, prepared to jump off and swim at the first crunch of fiberglass.

[1] Woody Allen.