I.Q. Test

Which of the following is smarter?

Missouri Senate Candidate Todd Akin

Uterus of 13-Year Old Girl Raped by Close Relative

You guessed right!

 It’s the Uterus.

Even newly minted Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin admitted  that the uteri of rape victims are incredibly smart, so smart in fact that, according to Aiken, they actually prevent rape victims from getting pregnant. [1]  Todd revealed that being raped causes women to “secrete a certain secretion” that kills sperm.[2]

This little-known[3], but ingenious, behavior by uteri avoids a whole lot of political problems.  Here in the U.S. it makes it OK to legally prohibit rape victims from obtaining abortions in order not to be forced into fathering the child of their assailants. VP candidate Paul Ryan joined Todd Akin in promoting legislation to make this the law of the land.

In Muslim countries, it allows a rape victim to avoid being stoned to death publicly for allowing herself to be raped and then become pregnant.

All this is very convenient, and we owe this amazing scientific discovery to Todd Akin.  Akin is now the most popular celeb in America, beating out even Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.   (All three of course have a lot in common, mixing intelligence and sex into a potent popular brew.) 

Paris, Upstaged by Todd

Akin is incredibly popular among Republicans now because his discoveries about how the female body handles rape and incest have taken the media spotlight off Presidential candidate Romney’s perfectly legal tax schemes, his astonishingly fruitful IRA and his mysterious offshore bank accounts.

The spoltlight is also diverted from VP candidate Paul Ryan’s bizarrely cruel political philosophy (Cribbed from  Atlas Shrugged.)

Democrats also have fallen for Todd. They cynically dream that his candidacy may cement their hold on the votes of rape and incest victims nationwide, or at least in Missouri.

Todd has a little something for everyone. A nonentity until last week, Todd was happily swilling moonshine in his native Ozarks when suddenly he got the idea to run for the U.S. Senate. With a little help from Harry Reid, he won a competitive Republican primary. The rest is history.

The Ozarks is no stranger to scientific discovery. It has the highest per capita concentration of Nobel Prize winners in the United States.[4]

Todd has made other astonishing discoveries. He was the first to reveal that liberals hate God.  And he proved that the school lunch program, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, children’s health insurance, all federal education programs, all federal antipoverty programs, federal disaster relief, federal food safety inspections and other food safety programs, national child labor laws, the minimum wage, overtime, and other labor protections and federal civil rights are ALL TOTALLY AND FLAGRANTLY unconstitutional.[5]

Welcome to politics in Amerika in the Year of Our Lord 2012!

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[1] Interview of Todd Akin on Missouri TV station KTVI-TV.

[2] The genealogy of Akin's  discovery is set forth in the an article by Robert Mackey in the Lede.

[3] Some say that Todd was not the first to make this discovery. According to the NY Times, the theory is based on 13^th century medicine when it was believed that a women had have an orgasm in order to conceive (although not necessarily at exactly the same time as her male partner). By logical extension, then, if a woman became pregnant, she must have experienced orgasm, and therefore could not have been the victim of rape because how could she be raped if she was having that much fun.

[4] The source of the scientific prowess in the Ozarks is its religious and educational leadership, including Assemblies of God, Baptists  and Southern Baptists, Church of Christ and other Protestant Pentecostal denominations. Scientific organizations headquartered in the Ozarks include the Assemblies of God and the Baptist Bible Fellowship International in Springfield, and the Pentecostal Church of God in Joplin.

[5] Aiken was of 5 Congressmen to vote against the school lunch program.