REAL Americans

How can you be a REAL American? Amazingly, a lot of people don’t know the answer to this simple question.

Not to worry. In this blog, the secret is revealed.

In the last blog, which most of you never even read, I discussed No Impact Man. No Impact Man obviously has no clue about how to be a real red-blooded card-carrying American.  Further research about No Impact Man led me to the discovery that--as I cleverly suspected-- he was not even born in the USA. Like Obama, he came from afar. In No Impact Man’s case, his origin was in a puny island nation in the north Atlantic south of Scotland.  This left him with a profoundly weak grip on American culture.

Many readers complain that I should leave the sensitive and controversial topic of American exceptionalism alone because—what the heck does it have to do with lying, cheating, or stealing?

My answer to that is—READ THE WARNING LABEL!  Every single one of these blogs has a label at the bottom advising the reader that this is a Free Range Organic Blog.  That means the blog can go anywhere and say anything so long as no facts are included or in any way referenced. So stop whining, and back to the subject at hand.

Real Americans know that the most important thing about America is that it is BIG.  We are not only big in our impact on the planet, the world economy, the environment, and all that, we are big in every possible way.

We have big egos.

Big business.

Big bubbles.

We like to eat big.

The most popular sporting events in America today are eating contests. It all started with hot dogs, but now there is a contest for who can eat the most of almost any food. The winners of these contests are some of the most admired athletes in America.

Now McDonalds is building bigger seats because all the customers, after eating burgers and fries all day, are too big to fit into the standard seats. This had led to some big fatness. The Centers for Disease Control reported recently that  97% of the population of Putnam County, Alabama, will be clinically obese by the year 2014, resulting in a local diabetes epidemic rarely seen anywhere else in the world.[i]

Real Americans have big cars and even bigger trucks.

Real Americans have big asses. If your ass is too small, there is now a website to help you grow a bigger butt.

(For more scientific research on the fascinating topic of America's exploding butts see this website.)

Our President has big ears.

Back in the hippy days when Nixon was burglarizing the Watergate headquarters of the Democratic party, a fruitcake named E.F. Schumacher wrote a subversive book entitled “Small Is Beautiful: Economics as if People Mattered.”[ii]

He was subpoenaed by the (now extinct) Committee on UnAmerican Activities, the McCarthy Committee. Fortunately, Schumacher's communist schemes have been extinguished.

Real Americans know that Schumacher had it all backwards and inside out. Big is beautiful.

Especially BIG houses.

Recently, the Washington Post reported on the planned construction in Great Falls Virginia of a 25,434 square foot, $15,000,000 house that would be an almost exact replica of the Louis XIV palace of Versailles.[iii] It would have the same number of rooms and be exactly the same size, with all the same architectural features as the original palace, pictured below, all on a 5-acre plot (as opposed to the 10,000 acres on which the original palace is located.)

Neighbors in the tony area fought the construction of the home to a standstill because they all lived in monster McMansions that would end up looking like tiny shacks or outhouses next to this gimoungous new house.  The owner finally dropped out of all the lawsuits and moved the  construction over to the other side of the river to Potomac, Maryland, where the motto is “NO House Too Big: Potomac, MD.”[iv]

Here is how you can tell if you are a real American or some kind of worthless pink slime, based only on your housing ideals.

Answer Yes or No.

Would you prefer to live here?

Or here (in the blue house)?[v]

Or maybe even here?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you are either a communist rat f--ker or a Francophile.

For more un-American houses, click on this link.

Warning! This is a certified organic free-range blog.

To comment on this blog, click on the hyperlink at the bottom that reads “Post a Comment.”

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[i] The statistics and predictions can be viewed here.

[ii] The book is still available on Amazon.

[iii] The article is online here.

[iv] The Post article quotes the builder as saying “This type of house is more in keeping with Potomac [Maryland] than Great Falls [Virginia].”

[v] For more information on this communist small house located in Alexandria, VA, click on the  article here.