In 1996, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act.[1]
Like so many Acts of Congress, this meritorious
law is good for America. It was intended
to put a stop to all the perfidious attacks on marriage by deviate subversive
forces, such as gays and transgender type people. According to the law, it is illegal to marry
your pet –or if you are a boy, another boy. Likewise, girls cannot marry other girls.
You cannot even legally marry your horse under this law.
The evangelical bible thumpers are enthralled with this law,
despite the dozens of Constitutional challenges still working their way through
the courts.[2]
It’s a good thing that Congress got this law on the books
because, from where I stand, marriage is defenseless. It is difficult for me to
even conceptualize any good reason for any male human being in America to sign
on to marriage.
My experience is actually quite typical for the average
American male. The story goes like this.
You get married, sometimes just for visa purpose (my first
marriage) and sometimes because you are besotted with some persistent hormonal
imbalance (my second marriage). In any
case, more often than not, the whole thing ends badly. The marriage breakup rate in America for first marriage is 41%
to 50%; the rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67% and the rate in
America for 3rd marriage are from 73% to 74%. [3]
In the case of my second marriage the predictable finale was
particularly harsh. I crashed into the finish
line at terminal velocity. First, I was rusticated
to live on Cuckhold Creek. Maryland.
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| Location of Cuckhold Creek, Maryland |
After savoring the piquant pleasures of Cuckholdistan for
about a year, I was unceremoniously transported to divorce court.
There, a grotesquely obese female judge (3
times divorced herself) made it clear that I could submit to water boarding and
agree to be drawn and quartered. My other option was to be hung upside down until
everything in my pockets, my bank account and anywhere else would be shaken out
for my ex-to-be to scrape up off the courthouse floor.
I chose the latter.
The end result: I lost my house, my kids, my bank account, my
IRA, my stocks, my china, my furniture,
and 2/3 of my retirement (after 35 years of work). I was allowed to keep my clothing
and shoes.
I made out better
than some, however.
A neighbor of mine spent a good deal of time in the DC Jail
due to his inability to make child support payments that far exceed his income.
Apparently, the courts think that one is better able to pay child support from
jail than from other employment.
It was at this moment after the issuance of my divorce
decree that I learned of the exquisite pleasures of living in the back seat of a
car. Sometimes I varied the venue by sleeping on my office couch. this was only slightly better. Aside from the deep and abiding friendships I developed
with the office night cleaning personnel who regularly woke me at 3 am, it was not the best of times. This period
lasted for months and months.
Meanwhile, my
excellent attorney collected her fees, paid both her kids college tuitions, deposited
the remaining bundle in her Cayman Island account and retired from the practice
of law to live on the bounty.
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| View From the Cayman Island Home of My Divorce Attorney |
So, I ask, who the heck wants to get married?
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| Picture Courtesy of Wikipeida Commons |
Kim Kardashian, that’s who.
The story of Kim’s marriage has been obsessing Americans for
the past year. And with good reason. She made marriage look good for the first
time in a long while.
Not only that, she made out like a bandit. She took in
$18,000,000 in the divorce, after only 72 days of marriage.[4]
That comes to $250,000 per day.
Kim is a person with no discernible skills or talent. She cannot act or
write or basically do much of anything. She cannot even dance. Yet she is a “reality star,” the biggest of them
all.
How did she get so popular?
Her friend Paris Hilton tipped her off on how to do it. Kim
got herself filmed having sex with Ray J and had the film leaked to the media. She brought a few lawsuits to get the press
involved, and from then on, fame and money were hers to take.
This pattern has now become one of the most popular ways to handle the difficult issue of marriage, as well as one of the most well-travelled
paths to fame and fortune in America. In addition to Paris Hilton, some of the
celebrities who have used the technique of releasing a sex tape and benefiting directly from royalties as well as indirectly
from the publicity are: Pamela Anderson,
John Edwards, Tonya Harding, Jenna Lewis, Rob Lowe, and long list of others.[5]
[1] Pub.L.
104-199, 110 Stat. 2419, enacted
September 21, 1996, 1 U.S.C. § 7 and 28 U.S.C. § 1738C. Section 3 of the law states that “In determining
the meaning of any Act of Congress, or of any ruling, regulation, or
interpretation of the various administrative bureaus and agencies of the United
States, the word 'marriage' means only a legal union between one man and one
woman as husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the
opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.“
[4]
See the whole story in
Reuters News.
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